vicodin and tryptophan

I am so glad to be home!!! So far break has been very eventful I got to go out with my cousin and have an awesome time with her at Easton and attend my young adult small group at church. The rest of my break has been filled with trips to the dentist. I have spent most of my break with Dr. Bang lol and now have a fake tooth and drugs. Tomorrow I will hopefully go back to work and get back to normal. I am trying to be very factual with this blog because I am highly drugged and have no idea what I am talking about lol. So hopefully I can provide a more interesting read tomorrow. I just wanted to let blog world know I am safe at home in Ohio and that marching band is not going to play offs :( which means I have actually had my last game. Don't worry I did retail therapy for that and my Sophomore hearing. Followed by a 40 dollar makeup return to Macy's. I guess not everyone sees the use in awesome 20 dollar mascara :)

missing teeth and band

So earlier this week I said that this week could not get any worse. Being me and knowing my life I probably should not have said that. Today was definitely eventful I started off the day full of emotion literally everything reminded me that this was my last game and made me cry. I went to guard and did just as I said, sat on the 50 and said goodbye to life as I know it now. I had no idea though that this day would prove to be memorable for more than one reason. This morning while doing our run through I knocked out my tooth and cut my lip.
So all day today I walked around with a missing tooth and a swollen lip. Other than the fact that I was missing a tooth I had a perfect show. I definitely left it all on the field tonight and as soon as I threw my flag down at the end of the show and did the final step I became a wreck. All the emotion leading up to the game that day had been bottling up inside and I could not stop crying for about 20 minutes. I know there is life after band but it just did not feel like it at the time every time I made eye contact with friends, looked at the field, or got a hug the tears just came back. I was so glad that my family came up to see me for this game I really needed them. As soon as I got back to the stands after half time my family was standing there waiting for me. They really comforted me I told my mom that if this had to be my last game I could walk away saying I did my best. So now a real new chapter in my life begins one of new activities and new teeth :)

Dear LU band,

I just want to thank all of you for what you have done for my college experience so far. From freshman year till now you have all played a huge roll in my life. I remember coming in as a scared freshman to guard camp and leaving that week starting school more clued in than any other freshman on campus. The family of marching band is one that I will never be able to replace. But I wanted let everyone of you know how important and amazing you are. It is so hard to believe that when august rolls around I will not be coming back with every other girl to guard camp. For you girls specifically you have all been awesome this season. I could not have picked a better group of girls to have my last season with. You are all very talented and gave me countless awesome shows. I love you girls!!!! I am so glad I have had this opportunity to be a part of something so uplifting. I really do love each and everyone of you. Even though we will never march together again this is not goodbye friends in band it is just goodbye band.

Thank you for an awesome last season,

C

Will Never Be The Same

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart, I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart, I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire, soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters, again and again.
Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

There are higher heights, there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do, Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire, soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters, again and again.
Sweep aways the darkness, burn away the chaff
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

Fall like fire, soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters, again and again.
Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk the path, I will run the race
And I will never be the same again.
And I will never be the same again.
And I will never be the same again.

Band has made an amazing impact on my life and without it I will never be the same again. It has changed me for the better and I am excited to see what God has in store for my future since right now I have no idea!!!!!

IT OVER :( time to sit on the 50 and cry

Well tomorrow is my last game. It is hard to believe this is really happening. Today at my last practice I gave the devotional to the band. While sharing what God had laid on my heart I found myself fighting back tears with these words. "As of right now this is my last year in marching band and tomorrow is my last game. I find myself asking the question is there life after band??? And honestly I don't know. I mean this has been my life for 9 years." As I said those words I could feel myself loosing it but I pulled it together. Band means so much to me the friendships and memories I have built here are irreplaceable. I spoke on courage to the band because it is something I am struggling with right now and just all the time to be honest. I may not seem like a timid person but really I am. A lot of my life is driven by fear because I am an over thinker and never want to offend or disappoint anyone. I encouraged the band to live by Philippians 1:20, "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed but I will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ is exalted in my body whether that be through triumph or defeat." This verse drives me on a daily basis to know that I do not have to fear and God is always in control no matter what the situation is. So as I leave this safety net and move into my next year without band I will not fear. Because God did not call us to be that way he called us to take courage in him and stand against our enemies. Although we have safety in numbers I am confident that I can stand alone in Christ as well. I have no idea how I will behave tomorrow after my last show, my guess is inconsolable, but what I do know is that I will go on and come off without fear in my heart.


Also to explain the title every time I get really bad news it is tradition for me to sit on the 50 and cry. I know that is weird but it has become a safe place for me. So if you see me on the 50 don't worry the tears are tears of accomplishment.


Also to top off this broken heart I did not pass my Sophomore hearing because I bombed my monologue and interview. I am not sure what come over me but I delivered the worst most memo dramatic performance of my life. I guess the pressure of the rest of my life just bleed over into that. I will share more about it later on the upside my family was here to comfort me the next day and there is always a second shot next semester.

Relationships

RELATIONSHIPS

Why is it that people base their relationship with you off of your relationship with others? Such as if you are friends with one group of people you better not dare associate yourself with other groups. We are all classified from a very young age as to what group we will be in. I have always been a floater I never really fell into any category. I had friends all over and I like to think I am still the same way. Relationships are necessary for us to live. We build relationships with others because without them we are alone and depressed. Out of all the people I know I am the one who bases their life most off of relationships. I need them, I rarely am alone and when I am I don't always like it. Relationships encourage me to do things I would never do. I am a shy not always confident girl who hides behind a loud outgoing persona. That is really hard for me to admit but it is true. People always say how outgoing I am but the outgoing is just a mask just like being talkative. I hide behind my words, my very close friends know this they can tell depending on how much I talk or don't what is going on. At this time I am really struggling with relationships with some friends but I just don't know how to fix them. As I have said before I have been focusing on relationships that are not important in my life and lacking on others. Since I said that I have been working very hard to pay more attention to these relationships and build them back up but how can I do that when I feel that I am being closed off. I hate that my choice to build a new relationship have affected the ones I have had for so long and value so much. I just wish I could have both friendships I know what friendships to choose but the other is hard to let go. This decision is going to take some time for me on what to do. In the ideal situation I could maintain all relationships. I feel that with this situation that would be any persons ideal.

So I thought I would share about my crazy week to come with all of you. I have no idea how I am finding the time ever to blog which would explain my absence along with my trip to myrtle beach. The marching band headed down to Coastal Carolina this weekend. It was a great time with my marching band family. But when I got home from this very exciting trip I remembered all of the very unexciting work I have ahead of me this weekend. But all of this work will pay off very soon hopefully.

The list of things I have to do this week

#1 STUDY for Sophomore Hearing
(Children of a Lesser God consuming my life)

#2 Production Journal

#3 Do Sophomore Hearing

#4 Study for theory test

#5 Dramatic Presentation

#6 Take theory test

#7 Memorize Music

#8 Bring up my aural skills grade

#9 Write Speech

#10 Clean my messy apartment because my mother is coming into town

#11 Pick mom up from the airport

#12 Celebrate her Birthday

#13 GAME TIME

#14 Finally head to Ohio

#15 and so much MORE

What if? Will not be a question in my life

Currently listening to the new Kid Cudi CD which is awesome BTW
So I know I have not blogged in a couple of days and I apologize for that. But if I could think of the words to describe how stressed I am right now I would write them to you. Everything in my life is coming up fast and furious. I have wind ensemble auditions, Sophomore hearing, my theater history paper, my basic acting speech, production journal, coastal, voice lesson music, part writing homework, and to top it all off I am sick :( so pretty much I don't even know how I am finding time to do this now except I felt guilty for not posting for so many days. I am still reading that awesome book my life group sent me though. It and music are my little piece of sanity in this crazy time. Soul Cravings my Erwin Raphael McManus is a book I suggest you all pick up and read. It is a religious book but not forceful it just talks about problems we all go through. It is broke up into sections intimacy, love,ambition,destiny, origin, meaning, life, and death. Currently I am still at the very beginning in intimacy but already feel like I have learned so much. Many of the pages are almost fully highlighted out of excitement for the awesome things the author has to say. A passage that I love from it so far is ,
"Some girls want flowers; others, chocolates; others, meaningful conversation; all different ways of trying to get to the same place-to be loved, to find love. So some people pray five times a day facing east; others pray rosaries; still others bring offerings, light candles, and memorize incantations; all for the same purpose-to gain acceptance from their creator."
This is so true everyone wants the same things and to be loved and accepted they just go about it in a different way. Its just like the Ingrid Michaelson song Everybody.
"We have fallen down again tonight
in this world it's hard to get it right.Trying to make your heart fit like a glove
when what it needs is love love love.
Everybody Everybody wants to love
Everybody Everybody wants to be loved"I love this song and last night while watching Letters to Juliet at the guard party at the Kerr's house I realized that this point is completely true. In the movie this old woman goes on a search to find the only man she ever loved. She reminisces through the movie on the what if? What if she would have never left him? What if she had married him? What if? What if? What if? I decided that I want to be loved but I don't want to live a what if? I feel like through high school I made so many relationship mistakes and guess what? I don't think what if? for those anymore. I am just so over them. But now moving on into my adult life here at Liberty I don't want to what if. I want to say I went for it. Just like in the movie they let nothing stand in the way of the possibility of love. I know there will be obstacles and hard work but eventually I will find my one and never have to wonder what if?

soul cravings

currently listening to listen to your heart

So today was a day full of marching band. I went to guard this morning at 8:00am arrived late due to a uniform fiasco and was with the marching band till 7. Fiasco being my uni-tard broke and had to be safety pinned together, welcome to my life. It was military emphasis and we did a special half time show complete with a performance of God Bless the USA by Chucky B. I will admit I totally cried during that and the armed forces medley. I think that patriotism is something that can strike that sort of emotion in anyone. As I was walking off the field I had tear streaming down my freezing face. This would be because it was bitter cold all day today and I had to wear, Guess what? A guard uniform brrrr. I also got my jacket today from high peak after finding my old one last night.I am sad you can not take back an embroidered jacket, I am pretty sure not to many people have the same name as me or would want a colorguard wind suit jacket lol. Then I rushed home quickly prepared dinner, tided up any messes in the apartment, shower, and had some friends over to study.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you convince yourself that there are no negatives in what you want? I am reading this awesome book called soul cravings and it has made me realize some things. A I have realized that not everything we think is of God is of God. B guys are mean except your father, and C that it is easy to convince yourself something is right even when it's not. Which brings me to what this book is doing for me. It is teaching me to chill out. I realized that I often give awesome advice to friends but I don't ever follow it myself. Just like last night I was talking to a friend and I gave them advice to just not worry about a relationship just let whatever happens happens don't close your mind to something happening but don't force whats not there. I really hope that as I keep reading this book I find a solution to this problem of mine. I feel like my brain and heart are running 1,000 miles in the opposite direction because my brain is saying run away from hurt and my heart is saying run into love. Which one do I listen to, I sure wish it was as easy as a DHT song.

Today was definitely an awesome day all together and I can't wait for what this week has in store A.K.A studying for my sophomore hearing some more. Than this weekend I am going to Coastal!!!!

It's Britney @#$%&

Currently listening to Laura Viers

Today was a pretty awesome day I got a lot accomplished including learning 2/3rds of my wind ensemble audition piece. I want to share a video with you all today. I have been blabbing a lot on here about my friends and It's epic Halloween costumes, the life cycles of Britney spears. http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1481121991546&notif_t=video_tag
This link is to the video of our performance lol. This is the reason that I love my friends they will act crazy with me. I also found out that I won't have to freeze tomorrow night because the lovely people at high peak have made me another jacket because mine magically went missing. I did get some bad news today though, I found out worrying about the 2 classes I have been worrying about was rightly so. I am pretty much failing aural skills and music theory. It is times like these I regret not paying attention in high school when I was in theory. Luckily there are many people willing to help me succeed including my teacher who so kindly let me make up an assignment!! I sure hope through hard work I can bring this up. This month is gonna be crazy. Wind ensemble auditions, Sophomore hearing, and the race to the end of the semester. I am praying that God will help me succeed in all this. I know with him on my side and hard work I should have nothing to worry about. Also thanksgiving break is right around the corner yeah for family, friends, and work!!!!!

not skipping out

Currently listening to Elton John

Today was awesome I got a package from my young adult group which was so sweet. I had been having a pretty discouraging day including not having time to get ready this morning. That may not sound important to all of you but being in a t-shirt and hoodie with tennis shoes and no makeup on is one of the worst feelings in the world for me. Not only was that bad but then I decided after my freezing crazy band practice that I was going to go to dinner with Kristen before I went and practiced contra tonight. The dinner was awesome don't misread into that it was when we got the check it go bad. I reached into my purse only to realize my wallet was not in my purse, awesome right? Not so much, I had to tell the server who got the manager to see if I could just give them the credit card number. Guess what that is against applebees policy but listen to what was not against policy. The manager let me leave and trusted that I would go home and return to pay with not taking my name or holding anything collateral. Apparently I have a trusting face which luckily proved a good theory because I did return for all of you who were wonder. And not only did I pay but I also tipped, thank you very much. And because we returned a payed the manager gave us coupons for free appetizers. Who knew that loosing your wallet and being irresponsible would result in this manager A. trusting me and B. giving me free stuff. Maybe I should loose my wallet more often. Good thing my face reflects my personality???

rehearsed future

Currently listening to Lucky

So today I register for classes it is hard to believe I am already a junior. I remember freshman year so well it does not seem that long ago. I am freaking out though because as I get older classes and requirement get harder and my work ethic gets smaller. I am working so hard to pass all my classes right now 2 of which I am really struggling in. I am hoping that I can bring them up before the end of the semester I just can not afford to fail a class. I also realize that sophomore hearing is nearing. I have been preparing for it ever since last semester but that does not make it any easier or less nerve wrecking. What if I go in and completely forget all the information I studied or my monologue this is what we would call in theater my worst possible rehearsed future lol best possible rehearsed future I pass with flying colors because I remember all of my hard work and blow everyone away. Wildest dreams I get a letter stating that my score was switched last year and I actually passed....hey, I said wildest dreams right :) Anyway if you can't tell by me attempting to mask my fear in theater humor I am so nervous. Last year I did my sophomore hearing and failed by like 2 points. This year my hope is that I have improved enough for 2 points. I am using the same show and monologue but that does not make it any easier because now I have to break old habits, like not sounding like a news caster haha :) Well enough of my nervous rambling. Today was wonderful I got to get my Toms which I can't wear till Christmas, go to starlight, and just study with friends all was well except the whole doing poorly in 2 classes, I can not wait to see what tomorrow has to come!!! 2 more hours till I register for classes then I can sleep!!!!

like a bright star in heaven that lights our way home like the flower that shattered the stone

Currently listening to Olivia Newton John

Today was alright I woke up early to do what I thought would be easy homework....wrong....this junk took me a whole hour :( I just wish I was better at music theory. Anyway, tonight I get to register for classes. I am so excited to get my junior year finished. Next year I will be a senior status!!!! Even though just like many people at Liberty I will be here for an extra year. It was nice to go back today to school and feel refreshed, like I had a break, even though a weekend home is just never long enough. I realized that break is only 18 classes away!!!! I can't wait to go home for a few weeks and see my family for the holidays. I am just fighting with the idea of marching band going into post season play. As you all know just thinking about my last game brings me to tears. Well, I have prepared myself emotionally for the 20th to be my last game ever. This has been a process emotionally for sure, that is why I am worried about post season. I am preparing myself for that last game the 20th and for it to feel like my heart is being ripped out at the end of that game. It would just be a tease for my heart to go post season it would be like dragging out the pain because then I won't actually know when my last game is. I feel like leaving guard for me is a lot like a breakup in a relationship it is going to take time for me to heal. I also hope this is one of those breakups were you can still be friends lol I hope that I can still pick up a flag and write or just have fun. I need to keep guard in my life in anyway I can.


Flower that Shattered the Stone

The Earth is our mother just turning around
With her trees in the forest and roots underground
Our father above us who's sigh is the wind
Paint us a rainbow without any end

As the river runs freely the mountain does rise
Let me touch with my fingers and see with my eyes
In the hearts of the children of pure love still roams
Like a bright star in heaven that lights our way home
Like the flower that shattered the stone

Sparrows find freedom beholding the sun
In the engine and beauty were all joined in one
I reach out before me and look to the sky
Then I hear someone whisper its something pass by

As the river runs freely the mountain does rise
Let me touch with my fingers and see with my eyes
In the hearts of the children of pure love still roams
Like a bright star in heaven that lights our way home
Like the flower that shattered the stone
Like a bright star in heaven that lights our way home
Like the flower that shattered the stone


I always love to listen to this Olivia Newton John's lullaby album. My mom used to sing these lullabies to me when I was born and throughout my whole life. Still when I can't sleep I will turn on this soundtrack and just lay there. It is one of my comforts.